Farmer Whipple. - Bachelor.

    It's a mystery to see me - a man o' fifty-four,
    Who's lived a cross old bachelor fer thirty year' and more -
    A-lookin' glad and smilin'!    And they's none o' you can say
    That you can guess the reason why I feel so good to-day!

    I must tell you all about it!    But I'll have to deviate
    A little in beginning so's to set the matter straight
    As to how it comes to happen that I never took a wife -
    Kind o' "crawfish" from the Present to the Springtime of my life!

    I was brought up in the country: Of a family of five -
    Three brothers and a sister - I'm the only one alive, -
    Fer they all died little babies; and 'twas one o' Mother's ways,
    You know, to want a daughter; so she took a girl to raise.

    The sweetest little thing she was, with rosy cheeks, and fat -
    We was little chunks o' shavers then about as high as that!
    But someway we sort o' suited-like! and Mother she'd declare
    She never laid her eyes on a more lovin' pair

    Than we was!    So we growed up side by side fer thirteen year',
    And every hour of it she growed to me more dear! -
    W'y, even Father's dyin', as he did, I do believe
    Warn't more affectin' to me than it was to see her grieve!

    I was then a lad o' twenty; and I felt a flash o' pride
    In thinkin' all depended on me now to pervide
    Fer Mother and fer Mary; and I went about the place
    With sleeves rolled up - and workin', with a mighty smilin' face. -

    Fer sompin' else was workin'! but not a word I said
    Of a certain sort o' notion that was runnin' through my head, -
    "Someday I'd mayby marry, and a brother's love was one
    Thing - a lover's was another!" was the way the notion run!

    I remember onc't in harvest, when the "cradle-in'" was done -
    When the harvest of my summers mounted up to twenty-one -
    I was ridin' home with Mary at the closin' o' the day -
    A-chawin' straws and thinkin', in a lover's lazy way!

    And Mary's cheeks was burnin' like the sunset down the lane:
    I noticed she was thinkin', too, and ast her to explain
    Well - when she turned and kissed me, with her arm around me - law!
    I'd a bigger load o' heaven than I had a load o' straw!

    I don't p'tend to learnin', but I'll tell you what's a fac',
    They's a mighty truthful sayin' somers in a almanack -
    Er somers - 'bout "puore happiness" - perhaps some folks'll laugh
    At the idy - "only lastin' jest two seconds and a half." -

    But its jest as true as preachin'! - fer that was a sister's kiss,
    And a sister's lovin' confidence a-tellin' to me this: -
    "She was happy, bein' promised to the son o' farmer Brown." -
    And my feelin's struck a pardnership with sunset and went down!

    I don't know how I acted - I don't know what I said,
    Fer my heart seemed jest a-turnin' to an ice-cold lump o' lead;
    And the hosses kind o' glimmered before me in the road,
    And the lines fell from my fingers - and that was all I knowed -

    Fer - well, I don't know how long - They's a dim rememberence
    Of a sound o' snortin' bosses, and a stake-and-ridered fence
    A-whizzin' past, and wheat-sheaves a-dancin' in the air,
    And Mary screamin' "Murder!" and a-runnin' up to where

    I was layin' by the roadside, and the wagon upside down
    A-leanin' on the gate-post, with the wheels a whirlin' round!
    And I tried to raise and meet her, but I couldn't, with a vague
    Sort o' notion comin' to me that I had a broken leg.

    Well, the women nussed me through it; but many a time I'd sigh
    As I'd keep a-gittin' better instid o' goin' to die,
    And wonder what was left me worth livin' fer below,
    When the girl I loved was married to another, don't you know!

    And my thoughts was as rebellious as the folks was good and kind
    When Brown and Mary married - Railly must a-been my mind
    Was kindo' out o' kilter! - fer I hated Brown, you see,
    Worse'n pizen - and the feller whittled crutches out fer me -

    And done a thousand little ac's o' kindness and respec' -
    And me a-wishin' all the time that I could break his neck!
    My relief was like a mourner's when the funeral is done
    When they moved to Illinois in the Fall o' Forty-one.

    Then I went to work in airnest - I had nothin' much in view
    But to drownd out rickollections - and it kep' me busy, too!
    But I slowly thrived and prospered, tel Mother used to say
    She expected yit to see me a wealthy man some day.

    Then I'd think how little money was, compared to happiness -
    And who'd be left to use it when I died I couldn't guess!
    But I've still kep' speculatin' and a-gainin' year by year,
    Tel I'm payin' half the taxes in the county, mighty near!

    Well! - A year ago er better, a letter comes to hand
    Astin' how I 'd like to dicker fer some Illinois land -
    "The feller that had owned it," it went ahead to state,
    "Had jest deceased, insolvent, leavin' chance to speculate," -

    And then it closed by sayin' that I'd "better come and see." -
    I'd never been West, anyhow - a most too wild fer me,
    I'd allus had a notion; but a lawyer here in town
    Said I'd find myself mistakend when I come to look around.

    So I bids good-bye to Mother, and I jumps aboard the train,
    A-thinkin' what I'd bring her when I come back home again -
    And ef she'd had an idy what the present was to be,
    I think it's more 'n likely she'd a-went along with me!

    Cars is awful tejus ridin', fer all they go so fast!
    But finally they called out my stopping-place at last:
    And that night, at the tavern, I dreamp' I was a train
    O' cars, and skeered at sumpin', runnin' down a country lane!

    Well, in the mornin' airly - after huntin' up the man -
    The lawyer who was wantin' to swap the piece o' land -
    We started fer the country;' and I ast the history
    Of the farm - its former owner - and so-forth, etcetery!

    And - well - it was interestin' - I su'prised him, I suppose,
    By the loud and frequent manner in which I blowed my nose! -
    But his su'prise was greater, and it made him wonder more,
    When I kissed and hugged the widder when she met us at the door! -

    It was Mary: They's a feelin' a-hidin' down in here -
    Of course I can't explain it, ner ever make it clear. -
    It was with us in that meeting I don't want you to fergit!
    And it makes me kind o' nervous when I think about it yit!

    I bought that farm, and deeded it, afore I left the town,
    With "title clear to mansions in the skies," to Mary Brown!
    And fu'thermore, I took her and the childern - fer you see,
    They'd never seed their Grandma - and I fetched 'em home with me.

    So now you've got an idy why a man o' fifty-four,
    Who's lived a cross old bachelor fer thirty year' and more,
    Is a-lookin' glad and smilin'! - And I've jest come into town
    To git a pair o' license fer to marry Mary Brown.