To Everybody

    My dear Everybody, -
    The other day I lunched at a place
    Where there was a pretty lady.
    During the course of the talk
    The pretty lady said to me,
    "You see, Everybody is out of town
    At present."
    I said, "Who is Everybody?"
    Whereupon the pretty lady replied,
    "Well - er - Everybody."
    I said, "Quite so;
    But don't you think it is rather
    Fortunate that Everybody is out of town?
    And the pretty lady answered and said,
    "No."
    I conclude, therefore,
    That you, Everybody,
    Must, on the whole, be rather nice.
    I hope you are;
    For Everybody should be rather nice,
    Should they not?
    And when I come to think of it
    The circumstance that I heard of you
    The other day
    Has nothing prodigiously unusual about it.
    Really and truly,
    One is always hearing about you.
    One is, believe me.
    For example, the paragraph writers assure me
    That Everybody is reading
    Miss So-and-So's great novel;
    Also, that Everybody will join with them
    In congratulating Miss So-and-So on her approaching marriage;
    Also, that Everybody is in the Highlands,
    That Everybody anticipates a good season,
    That Everybody keeps a houseboat,
    That Everybody sups at the Carlton after the theatre,
    That Everybody recognises in Lord Salisbury a great statesman,
    That Everybody plays golf,
    That Everybody who can afford it dresses well,
    That Everybody knows the King has tact,
    That Everybody thinks the Queen grows younger as she grows older,
    That Everybody hopes Sir Thomas Lipton
    Will win the America Cup,
    And so on.
    Which is well.
    I don't mind in the least.
    Why should I?
    Yet, if I were Everybody,
    I imagine that I should not do things
    Quite in the same way that you do them.
    To my mind, your great defect is that you do things
    Not because you like to do them,
    But simply because
    Everybody does them.
    This is an excellent reason
    From your point of view;
    But to me it seems a trifle stupid.
    Who is reading Miss So-and-So's book?
    Everybody.
    Why are they reading it?
    Because Everybody is reading it.
    Do they like Miss So-and-So's book?
    They are not quite sure.
    But Everybody says it is good,
    And therefore Everybody must read it.
    Why are frock-coats worn?
    Because Everybody wears them.
    Why does Everybody wear them?
    Because Everybody wears them.
    Why does Everybody dine at a certain restaurant?
    Because Everybody dines there.
    Why does Everybody dine there?
    Because Everybody dines there.
    Why does -    -
    But, there,
    I forbear.
    Did time allow I might multiply instances
    Till Everybody felt bored,
    But I stay min' hand;
    Enough, you know, is as good as a feast;
    Likewise, better a stalled ox
    Than a dinner of herbs;
    Everybody says so,
    Wherefore I am constrained to believe it.
    By way of conclusion, let us ask ourselves
    What is happening just now.
    Everybody says
    That nothing is happening just now,
    And that everything is frightfully dull;
    And
    Everybody
    Is
    Quite
    Right.