Villanelle Of Things Amusing

These are the things that make me laugh
    Life's a preposterous farce, say I!
And I've missed of too many jokes by half.

The high-heeled antics of colt and calf,
    The men who think they can act, and try
These are the things that make me laugh.

The hard-boiled poses in photograph,
    The groom still wearing his wedding tie
And I've missed of too many jokes by half!

These are the bubbles I gayly quaff
    With the rank conceit of the new-born fly
These are the things that make me laugh!

For, Heaven help me! I needs must chaff,
    And people will tickle me till I die
And I've missed of too many jokes by half!

So write me down in my epitaph
As one too fond of his health to cry
These are the things that make me laugh,
And I've missed of too many jokes by half!

Frank Gelett Burgess

Frank Gelett Burgess was an American artist, art critic, poet, author, and humorist. He was an influential figure in the literary world during the late 19th and early 20th centuries, known especially for his humorous verse and his creations like 'The Purple Cow.' Burgess was also an editor and contributed greatly to the San Francisco literary scene. Beyond poetry, his works include essays, short stories, and various artistic critiques.

Frank Gelett Burgess

English

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Comic Miseries

My dear young friend, whose shining wit
    Sets all the room a-blaze,
Don't think yourself a "happy dog,"
    For all your merry ways;
But learn to wear a sober phiz,
    Be stupid, if you can,
It's such a very serious thing
    To be a funny man!

You're at an evening party, with
    A group of pleasant folks, -
You venture quietly to crack
    The least of little jokes, -
A lady doesn't catch the point,
    And begs you to explain -
Alas for one that drops a jest
    And takes it up again!

You're talking deep philosophy
    With very special force,
To edify a clergyman
    With suitable discourse, -
You think you've got him - when he calls
    A friend across the way,
And begs you'll say that funny thing
    You...

John Godfrey Saxe I

The Practical Joker

Oh what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes!
What keen enjoyment springs
From cheap and simple things!
What deep delight from sources trite inventive humour coaxes,
That pain and trouble brew
For every one but you!
Gunpowder placed inside its waist improves a mild Havanah,
Its unexpected flash
Burns eyebrows and moustache;
When people dine no kind of wine beats ipecacuanha,
But common sense suggests
You keep it for your guests -
Then naught annoys the organ boys like throwing red-hot coppers,
And much amusement bides
In common butter-slides.
And stringy snares across the stairs cause unexpected croppers.
Coal scuttles, recollect,
Produce the same effect.
A man possessed
Of common sense
Need not invest
At great expense -

William Schwenck Gilbert

The Baffled Grumbler.

Whene'er I poke
Sarcastic joke
Replete with malice spiteful,
The people vile
Politely smile
And vote me quite delightful!
Now, when a wight
Sits up all night
Ill-natured jokes devising,
And all his wiles
Are met with smiles,
It's hard, there's no disguising!
Oh, don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!

When German bands
From music stands
Play Wagner imperfectly
I bid them go
They don't say no,
But off they trot directly!
The organ boys
They stop their noise
With readiness surprising,
And grinning herds
Of hurdy-gurds
Retire apologizing!
Oh, don't the days seem lank and long
Wh...

William Schwenck Gilbert

The Family Fool.

Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,
If you listen to popular rumor;
From morning to night he's so joyous and bright,
And he bubbles with wit and good-humor!
He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse;
Yet though people forgive his transgression,
There are one or two rules that all Family Fools
Must observe, if they love their profession.
There are one or two rules
Half a dozen, maybe,
That all family fools,
Of whatever degree,
Must observe, if they love their profession.

If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need
To consider each person auricular:
What is all right for B would quite scandalize C
(For C is so very particular);
And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull
Is as empty of brains as a ladle;
While F ...

William Schwenck Gilbert

Nux Postcoenatica

I was sitting with my microscope, upon my parlor rug,
With a very heavy quarto and a very lively bug;
The true bug had been organized with only two antennae,
But the humbug in the copperplate would have them twice as many.

And I thought, like Dr. Faustus, of the emptiness of art,
How we take a fragment for the whole, and call the whole a part,
When I heard a heavy footstep that was loud enough for two,
And a man of forty entered, exclaiming, "How d' ye do?"

He was not a ghost, my visitor, but solid flesh and bone;
He wore a Palo Alto hat, his weight was twenty stone;
(It's odd how hats expand their brims as riper years invade,
As if when life had reached its noon it wanted them for shade!)

I lost my focus, - dropped my book, - the bug, who was a flea,
At on...

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Life

First you're born - and I'll be bound you
Find a dozen strangers round you.
"Hallo," cries the new-born baby,
"Where's my parents? which may they be?"
Awkward silence - no reply -
Puzzled baby wonders why!
Father rises, bows politely -
Mother smiles (but not too brightly) -
Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing -
Nurse is busy mixing something. -
Every symptom tends to show
You're decidedly DE TROP -
Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! he! ho! ho!
Time's teetotum,
If you spin it,
Give its quotum
Once a minute:
I'll go bail
You hit the nail,
And if you fail
The deuce is in it!

You grow up, and you discover
What it is to be a lover.
Some young lady is selected -
Poor, perhaps, but well-connected,
Whom you hail (for Love is blind

William Schwenck Gilbert