John Milton Hayes

John Milton Hayes was an English writer and performer, best known for his dramatic monologue "The Green Eye of the Yellow God". Born on February 25, 1884, Hayes pursued a career on stage and also served in the military during World War I. His work is often mentioned alongside other dramatic monologists of his time. He passed away on September 16, 1940, leaving behind a legacy in both literature and performance art.

February 25, 1884

September 16, 1940

English

John Milton Hayes

Merchandise

& Eisie April

Dedicated, by gracious permission, to H.R.H. THE PRINCE OF WALES

Merchandise! Merchandise! Tortoiseshell, spices,
Carpets and Indigo sent oer the highseas;
MotheroPearl from the Solomon Isles
Brought by a brigantine ten thousand miles.

Rubber from Zanzibar, tea from NangPo,
Copra from Haiti, and wine from Bordeaux;
Ships, with topgallants and royals unfurled,
Are bringing in freights from the ends of the world

Crazy old windjammers, manned by Malays,
With ratridden bulkheads and creaking old stays,
Reeking of bilge and of paint and of pitch
Thats how these oceangirt islands grew rich:

And tramps, heavy laden, and liners untold
Will lease a new life to a nation grown old.
Merchandise! Merchandise!...

John Milton Hayes

My Old Football

& Cuthbert Clarke


You can keep your antique silver and your statuettes of bronze,
Your curios and tapestries so fine,
But of all your treasures rare there is nothing to compare
With this patched up, wornout football pal o mine.
Just a patchedup wornout football, yet how it clings!
I live again my happier days in thoughts that football brings.
Its got a mouth, its got a tongue,
And oft when were alone I fancy that it speaks
To me of golden youth thats flown.
It calls to mind our meeting,
Twas a present from the Dad.
I kicked it yet I worshipped it,
How strange a priest it had!
And yet it jumped with pleasure
When I punched it might and main:
And when it had the dumps
It got blown up and punched again.
Its lived its life;<...

John Milton Hayes

Orange Peel

& Cuthbert Clarke


The colonel stopped, and glared around,
Then, pointing sternly to the ground,
What does this mean? demanded he,
A piece of orange peel I see!

The Major called the Captain then,
And said, By Gad! Your fault again!
Now what the blazes do you mean
By letting all this filth be seen?

The Captain sniffed, but took the snub,
Then, calling to the junior Sub.,
Observed, Look here, whats all this mess?
Its fit for pigs, sir, nothing less!

The junior Sub. blushed crimson red,
Then, to the Sergeant-major, said,
Im quite fed up, and all that rot!
I mean to say a pigsty! What?

The Sergeant-major, filled with rage,
Attacked the Sergeant at this stage,
You careless swab! jump to it s...

John Milton Hayes

The Dream Ring of the Desert

& R Fenton Gower

The merchant Abu Khan shunned the customs of his race,
And sought the cultured wisdom of the West.
His daughter fair Leola had the deserts supple grace,
With an English education of the best.

The suitors for her hand were as grains of desert sand
But the merchant bade the Arab swarm begone:
And he swore a mighty oath, she should only make troth
With an Englishman an Englishman or none!

The chieftain Ben Kamir, tho rejected, stayed to plead,
But Abu Khan replied, Thy suit is vain.
I cast aside my kinsmen and I scorn the prophets creed;
So get thee to thy tents, across the plain.

Enough, the Chief replied, Thine eyes are blind with pride,
But Allah hears my prayers and guides my star,
With patience I shall w...

John Milton Hayes

The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God

Theres a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu,
Theres a little marble cross below the town;
Theres a broken-hearted woman tends the grave of Mad Carew,
And the Yellow God forever gazes down.

He was known as Mad Carew by the subs at Khatmandu,
He was hotter than they felt inclined to tell;
But for all his foolish pranks, he was worshipped in the ranks,
And the Colonels daughter smiled on him as well.

He had loved her all along, with a passion of the strong,
The fact that she loved him was plain to all.
She was nearly twenty-one and arrangements had begun
To celebrate her birthday with a ball.

He wrote to ask what present she would like from Mad Carew;
They met next day as he dismissed a squad;
And jestingly she told him then that nothing...

John Milton Hayes

The Whitest Man I Know

& R. Fenton Gower


Hes acruisin in a pearler with a dirty nigger crew,
Abuyin pearls and copra for a stingy Spanish Jew,
And his face is tannd like leather neath a blazin tropic Sun,
And hes workin out a penance for the things he hasnt done.

Round the Solomons he runs, tradin beads and castoff guns,
Buyin pearls from grinnin niggers, loadin copra by the ton;
And hell bargain and hell smile, but hes thinkin all the while
Of the penance that hes workin out for sins he hasnt done.

Wed been round the Horn together, and Id come to know his worth;
The greatest friend Id ever had, the whitest man on earth.
Hed pulld me out of many a scrape, hed riskd his life for me,
And side by side, for many a year, wed roughd it on the sea...

John Milton Hayes

You Know What I Mean

Ive noticed this happen, when everything is black,
When Im down below zero and cannot get back,
When I feel like a sort of a National Debt,
That will go on for ages and never be met,
When my will is all bagged at the knees and dead beat,
It is then, dont you know, that., Im certain to meet
With some prodigal lifeless dejected old bean,
Who is worse off than I you know what I mean.

Someone or other whos entered the race,
With a sense of intention but cant stay the pace,
He tells all his troubles and heaven knows what,
Talks about Fate and all that sort of rot,
And it makes all my own little troubles look small,
Till I find Ive no cause to be worried at all,
And it doesnt seem cricket to grouse when Ive seen,
That hes worse off than I you know what I ...

John Milton Hayes