Unknown

There once was a lady from Guam,
Who said, "Now the sea is so calm
    I will swim, for a lark";
    But she met with a shark.
Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.

A flea and a fly in a flue,
Were imprisoned; now what could they do?
    Said the fly, "let us flee."
    "Let us fly," said the flea,
And they flew through a flaw in the flue.

A genius who once did aspire
To invent an aerial flyer,
    When asked, "Does it go?"
    Replied, "I don't know;
I'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er."

Every rose has its thorn
    There's fuzz on all the peaches.
There never was a dinner yet
    Without some lengthy speeches.

A friend of mine was married to a scold,
To me he came, and all his troubles told.
Said he, "She's like a woman raving mad."
"Alas! my friend," said I, "that's very bad!"
"No, not so bad," said he; "for, with her, true
I had both house and land, and money too."
        "That was well," said I;
        "No, not so well," said he;
        "For I and her own brother
        Went to law with one another;
        I was cast, the suit was lost,
And every penny went to pay the cost."
        "That was bad," said I;
        "No, not so bad," said he:
"For we agreed that he the house should keep,
And give to me four score of Yorkshire sheep
All fat, and fair, and fine, they were to be."
"Well, then," said I, "sure that was well for thee?"
        "No, not so ...

    The Food Scientist tells us: "A deficiency of iron, phosphorus, potassium, calcium and the other mineral salts, colloids and vitamines of vegetable origin leads to numerous forms of physical disorder."

I yearn to bite on a Colloid
    With phosphorus, iron and Beans;
I want to be filled with Calcium, grilled,
    And Veg'table Vitamines!

I yearn to bite on a Colloid
    (Though I don't know what it means)
To line my inside with Potassium, fried,
    And Veg'table Vitamines.

I would sate my soul with spinach
    And dandelion greens.
No eggs, nor ham, nor hard-boiled clam,
    But Veg'table Vitamines.

Hi, Waiter! Coddle the Colloids
    With phosphorus, iron and Beans;
Though Mineral Salts may have some faults,
    Bring on the Vitam...

You can always tell the English,
You can always tell the Dutch,
You can always tell the Yankees -
But you can't tell them much!

I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't so much care for a door;
    But this crawling around
    Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore.

A maiden once, of certain age,
To catch a husband did engage;
But, having passed the prime of life
In striving to become a wife
Without success, she thought it time
To mend the follies of her prime.

Departing from the usual course
Of paint and such like for resource,
With all her might this ancient maid
Beneath an oak-tree knelt and prayed;
Unconscious that a grave old owl
Was perched above, the mousing fowl!

"Oh, give! a husband give!" she cried,
"While yet I may become a bride;
Soon will my day of grace be o'er,
And then, like many maids before,
I'll die without an early Jove,
And none to meet me there above!

"Oh, 'tis a fate too hard to bear!
Then answer this my humble prayer,
And oh, a husband give to me!"
Just th...

I remember, I remember,
    Ere my childhood flitted by,
It was cold then in December,
    And was warmer in July.
In the winter there were freezings,
    In the summer there were thaws;
But the weather isn't now at all
    Like what it used to was!

The following is a recipe for an author:

Take the usual number of fingers,
Add paper, manila or white,
A typewriter, plenty of postage
And something or other to write.

    - Life.

Little drops in water -
Little drops on land -
Make the aviator,
Join the heavenly band.

There once were some learned M.D.'s,
Who captured some germs of disease,
    And infected a train
    Which, without causing pain,
Allowed one to catch it with ease.

There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared! -
    Two owls and a hen,
    Four larks and a wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard."

A thing of beauty is a joy forever;
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.

In good looks I am not a star.
There are others more lovely by far.
    But my face - I don't mind it,
    Because I'm behind it -
It's the people in front that I jar.

A man to whom illness was chronic,
When told that he needed a tonic,
    Said, "O Doctor dear,
    Won't you please make it beer?"
"No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic."

There once was an old man of Lyme.
Who married three wives at a time:
    When asked, "Why a third?"
    He replied, "One's absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime."