To An Hotel Keeper

    My dear Sir, -
    Oft in the stilly night
    My thoughts fly
    In your direction,
    For oft in the stilly night
    It is my unfortunate habit
    To have uncomfortable dreams,
    And the worst of them
    Runs to bankruptcy.
    I have a horror of bankruptcy,
    At any rate in my dreams.
    I sometimes lie
    Between the blankets
    In a cold sweat
    And for public examination as it were,
    And the presiding genius of the court
    Says to me, sepulchrally,
    "To what do you attribute your financial rottenness?"
    I fall into a colder sweat
    And remark,
    With a humility
    Which becomes my unfortunate position,
    "Sir, if you please,
    I have been living at an hotel."
    At this juncture of course
    I come in for every sympathy:
    The Court is with me,
    The Court has been there itself;
    There is not a dry eye about the place,
    Every man present knows what I mean,
    And his heart is touched accordingly.
    Sir,
    My dear Sir,
    You also know what I mean;
    In other words, you know
    That I am the victim of a convention,
    And that, when all is said that can be said,
    You are the author of that convention.
    As to the nature of that convention
    We will put it this way:
    One pound of steak
    To the actual consumer
    Should cost, say, 1s. 2d.
    Trimmings
    In the way of potatoes and peas might cost, say, 6d.,
    Bread, 1d.,
    Pepper, salt, and mustard, 1d.
    (You will notice that I put a princely price on everything),
    Total, 1s. 10d.
    Fifty per cent. profit for you, let us say,
    Would bring us up to 2s. 9d.
    Really you ought to let one off for 2s. 9d.,
    But what do you do?
    Well,
    So far as I can gather from your bills,
    You lie awake at night
    Debating with yourself
    Whether you should charge one 3s. 6d. or 4s. 6d.
    And you usually come to the conclusion
    That it will be best
    For all parties concerned
    To charge one 5s.
    If one expostulates,
    You remark
    With hauteur
    That you thought you were dealing with a gentleman.
    You are quite correct in this surmise.
    But -
    One pays,
    And you pocket the difference.
    Then, again, on one's bill
    You put
    Bed, 7s. 6d.
    Which is cheap;
    And I do not murmur;
    But you also put
    Attendance, 2s. 6d.;
    Coffee in bedroom before rising, 1s.;
    Bath, 1s. 6d.;
    This is just 5s. too much,
    Especially in view of the fact
    That the attendance wears dirty shirts,
    That the bath
    Is lukewarm if you order it cold
    And lukewarm if you order it hot;
    And that the coffee before rising
    Doesn't cost you a farthing.
    I am aware, of course,
    That all this is very mean
    And low down
    On my part,
    But frankly
    Your rapacity
    Matters not so much to me
    As to yourself.
    People come once to your establishment,
    They read your bill,
    Pay your prices
    And tip your dirty-shirted waiters,
    And go away
    And forget to come back.
    Hence
    You are bound to charge
    The next man that comes along
    As much extra as he will stand,
    And by slow degrees
    Your establishment
    Is becoming
    A by-word
    And a warning.
    My dear Sir,
    Have a shilling bottle of wine
    (For which you charge me 3s. 6d.)
    At your own expense,
    Consult with your wife,
    And make up your mind
    Never to charge
    More than 2s.
    For 9d. worth of goods.
    Honesty is its own reward -
    It is really.