Tom And Dick[1]

Tim[2] and Dick had equal fame,
    And both had equal knowledge;
Tom could write and spell his name,
    But Dick had seen the college.

Dick a coxcomb, Tom was mad,
    And both alike diverting;
Tom was held the merrier lad,
    But Dick the best at farting.

Dick would cock his nose in scorn,
    But Tom was kind and loving;
Tom a footboy bred and born,
    But Dick was from an oven.[3]

Dick could neatly dance a jig,
    But Tom was best at borees;
Tom would pray for every Whig,
    And Dick curse all the Tories.

Dick would make a woful noise,
    And scold at an election;
Tom huzza'd the blackguard boys,
    And held them in subjection.

Tom could move with lordly grace,
    Dick nimbly skipt the gutter;
Tom could talk with solemn face,
    But Dick could better sputter.

Dick was come to high renown
    Since he commenced physician;
Tom was held by all the town
    The deeper politician.

Tom had the genteeler swing,
    His hat could nicely put on;
Dick knew better how to swing
    His cane upon a button.

Dick for repartee was fit,
    And Tom for deep discerning;
Dick was thought the brighter wit,
    But Tom had better learning.

Dick with zealous noes and ayes
    Could roar as loud as Stentor,
In the house 'tis all he says;
    But Tom is eloquenter.