Edwin C. Ranck

Said Sue to her suitor:
    "You'll get a new suit, or
I'll sue for a suitor to suit."
    "Why Sue," said her suitor
Who tried hard to suit her,
    "Your suitor is suited to suit."

I never saw a loaf of bread
    Conspicuous in its purity,
But that I sadly shook my head
    And left five-cents as surety.

Old Mother Hubbard
    She went to the cupboard,
To find a nice bone for her dog.
    But when she got there
The cupboard was bare,
    And now they are both on the hog.

A funny thing once happened to a German from Berlin,
    For once he got too gay and seized a swordfish by the fin,
This made the big fish angry, and he sawed the German's chin.
    "Just Tell Them That I Saw You" said the swordfish with a grin.

I never walk along the street
    Because I haven't any feet;
Nor is this strange when I repeat
    That I am but a garden beet.

He led her out across the sand,
    And by her side did sit:
He asked to hold her little hand,
    She sweetly answered, "Nit."

Here's to dear Ould Ireland,
    Here's to the Irish lass,
Here's to Dennis and Mike and Pat,
    Here's to the sparkling glass.
Here's to the Irish copper,
    He may be green all right,
But you bet he's Mickie on the spot
    Whenever it comes to a fight.
Here's to Robert Emmet, too,
    And here's to our dear Tom Moore.
Here's to the Irish shamrock,
    Here's to the land we adore.

'Twas on the f-f-f-first of April D-D-Day,
    W-w-w-when Nature s-s-smiled and all w-w-was gay,
And I--w-w-why I was in a w-w-whirl,
    'C-c-cause I w-w-was w-w-walking w-w-with my g-g-girl.

We w-w-wandered through a leafless w-w-wood
    W-w-where many giant oak-t-t-trees s-s-stood,
And p-p-paused beside a d-d-dark g-g-green pool
    And sat d-d-down on a rustic s-s-stool.

T-t-then out I s-s-spoke in accents b-b-bold,
    And all m-m-my l-love for her I t-t-told.
She answered w-w-with a sweet, s-s-hy g-g-glance
    That pierced m-m-my h-h-heart like C-C-Cupid's l-lance.

I seized her in a t-t-tight embrace,
    And s-s-showered k-k-kisses on her f-f-face,
And t-t-told her that I'd g-g-give my l-life
    If she would only b-b-be my w-w-wife.

Ting-ling--"South, please, 1085;
    Why hello, Jim--Oh, Saints alive!
It's south, I told you--hello; no,
    I said once that I could not go.

"Say, can you meet me there tonight?
    Confound it, Jim, you must be tight.
What are you saying anyhow,
    I've got the wrong ear by the sow?

"Not pretty? Why, she's out o'sight,
    Oh, shut up; that will be all right.
You can't walk there? Why it ain't far;
    We get there on a 'lectric car.

"Well, Great Scott, man, don't talk all day,
    But let me know now right away.
Miss B----, Oh, let the old girl wait;
    We won't be out so very late.

"You will? All right then--eight o'clock;
    Be sure and meet me on the block,
Remember now, don't get it wrong;
    All right, old ma...

Mary had a little lamb,
    The lamb was always buttin'
So Mary killed the little lamb
    And turned him into mutton.

Say, I like toys,
    Christmas toys.
Remember when we were boys
    Long ago?
Then you were a kid
    Not a beau.
And on Christmas Day,
    Oh, say,
We got up in the dark
    And had a jolly lark
Round the fire.
    The cold air was shocking
As we peeped in our stocking--
    And, way down in the toe,
Now say this is so--
    Dad placed a dollar.
Made me holler.
    Yes, sirree,

They were good to me.
    Remember Jim?
Mean trick I did him.
    You know Jim was surly?
Well I got up early
    Took his dollar out,
And put a rock
    In his sock.
Gee, he was mad,
    Went and told dad;
But dad he just laughed
    And said:
Might's well be dead
    If you couldn't have fun.
Then ...

A college professor one day
    Was fishing in Chesapeake Bay;
Said a crab to his mate,
    "Let's kick off the bait,
This business is too old to pay."

(After Walt Whitman.)


That light, that white, that weird, uncanny substance we call snow
    Is slowly sifting through the bare branches--and ever and anon
My thoughts sift with the drifting snow, and I am full of pale regret.
    Yes, full of pale regret and other things--you know what I mean.
And why? Because the snow must go; the time has came to part.
    Yes, it cannot wait much longer--like the flakes my thoughts are melting
'Tis here, 'tis there, in fact, 'tis everywhere--the snow I mean.
    Like the thick syrup which covers buckwheat cakes it lies.

The man who says he don't regret its passing also lies.
    And wilt thou never come again? Yes, thou ilt never come again. Alas!
How well I remember thee! 'Twas but yesterday, methinks.
    When a great daub...

There was once a young man quite erratic
    Who lived all alone in an attic,
He wrote magazine verse
    That made editors curse,
But his friends thought it fine and dramatic.

I hate the fellow who sits around
    And knocks the livelong day--
Who tells of the work he might have done;
    If things had come his way.
But I love the fellow who pushes ahead
    And smiles at his work or play--
You can wager when things do come around,
    They will come his way--and stay.

A night when witches skim the air,
    When spooks and goblins climb the stair;
When bats rush out with muffled wings,
    And now and then the door-bell rings;
But just the funniest thing of all
    Is 'cause you can't see when they call.

An impudent Barbary ape
    Once tried on a lady's new cape.
As he gave a big grin,
    The lady came in,
And--his children are still wearing crepe.

(What the Little Boy Thought.)


If I had wings just like a bird
    Do you know what I'd do?
I'd fly way up into the sky
    An' holler down at you.

I'd fly along the Milky Way
    Feelin' fine and chipper,
An' then I'd drink some buttermilk
    Fresh from out the Dipper.

I'd skim along through fleecy clouds,
    An' see the great, Big Bear
An' ask him how he liked to live
    So high up in the air.

Wouldn't it be dandy
    To fly just when you please,
An' go an' ask the Dog-star
    If he worried much with fleas?

I'd do all kinds of other things
    If I could only fly,
But I am just a little boy
    An' so I dassn't try.