To Dan Leno

    Dear Mr. Leno,
    It is now many happy weeks
    Since I had the pleasure of addressing you.
    On the last occasion, you will remember,
    You were fresh from Sandringham,
    With a medal and sundry excellent stories
    As to the manner in which you had been received
    By His Majesty the King
    And the Members of the Royal Family.
    "To see them laugh," you told us, "was a treat."
    Since then you have gone about
    With a diamond "E" in your cravat,
    And "The King's Jester" written all over you
    As I have already stated,
    I do not doubt for a moment
    That the King really did laugh
    At Mr. Leno.
    I have laughed at him
    (That is to say, at Mr. Leno) myself,
    And I know what it is;
    But to-day, Mr. Leno,
    To-day being the 1st of April,
    It is my turn to laugh,
    And I do so with a right good will,
    For to-day, Mr. Leno,
    Your cup appears to be full,
    Inasmuch as for this day only
    You are actually editing a paper!
    Now when a man takes to editing papers
    All is over with him:
    The next step is
    Into the unutterable dark.
    I have read your paper, Mr. Leno,
    And I find that on the whole
    It has been remarkably well edited:
    That is to say, you as Editor
    And your big co-editor,
    Mr. Campbell of that ilk,
    Have had the good sense
    To edit the paper
    In the only way in which an editor
    Should edit a paper,
    Namely, by leaving it to itself
    As much as possible.
    If all editors would have the sense
    To take this wise course,
    Contributors and subordinates, generally,
    Would, to say the least of it,
    Have a fairly happy life.
    It seems in a way a pity, Mr. Leno,
    That you should waste yourself
    Upon an evening paper,
    When there are so many morning papers
    Requiring Editors:
    The Daily Chronicle, for example,
    Would have offered you a fair field
    For the exercise of your extraordinary abilities;
    Even the Times might, for once in a way,
    Have added lustre to itself
    By taking on
    Your joyous and winning lucubrations;
    Then there is Punch,
    Which journal, I understand,
    Is always (and still) on the look-out
    For that humour
    Which somehow never comes its way.
    But there, Mr. Leno,
    You have missed your chance,
    And possibly it will not come round again.
    As you are young in journalism,
    Let me say three things to you:
    Imprimis, never be an Editor,
    It is better to be in the ballet;
    Item, always be on either a morning paper or a weekly.
    The all-day papers keep one too busy.
    Item, if you are an editor only for a day,
    Be sure to subscribe to the Newspaper Press Fund;
    Otherwise, what will your widow do?